What's for dinner then, Steve?
Pata negra ham, farm-fresh fried eggs and some good sourdough bread - probably something like pain Poilâne. And some Vacherin cheese, baked with a little red wine and served warm.
What about something to get in the groove?
A very large jug of caipirinha [a South American cocktail made with Brazilian sugarcane rum and lime].
OK, there's a Latin thing going on here - so where does everyone pitch up?
In the Dehesa [the oak forests of southern Spain], on a remote farm, with no towns or shops for hundreds of kilometres.
How do you see yourself arriving?
In a camouflaged river boat.
Ah, it's by a river as well. Plenty of water to wash up with, then. Who've you got on cooking duty?
Robert Kirby from Avenance, for pure entertainment value - and also he's a great friend.
Who would be the lucky 12 to join you at the feast?
It would have to be my lovely wife, Teresa, and three children, Laura, Sophie and Liam; my mum and Teresa's mum and dad; Robert Kirby, of course; Gary Bentley and Danny Murphy (I need to have my main suppliers on hand); and our friends Stewart and Victoria.
After the caipirinha's disappeared, what glugs would you produce?
A deep red such as Vega Sicilia.
How about some music to get you all in the mood?
Some jazz or Irish folk, played by Buena Vista Social Club or Christy Moore.
What about a bit of floral table decoration?
I can't stand flowers of any sort on the table, as I suffer from hay fever.
Would there be Any dress code?
It would have to be my Manchester United shirt and cutoff jeans.
Who's going to give you a bit of light relief before the big bang?
Billy Connolly.
Any last-minute beverages or nibbles?
Double espressos all round with mini Mars bars, followed by vintage port.
And what would we remember you by?
My black pudding and beetroot tatin.
- Steve Carter is consultant chef for Ideal Selections and was previously head chef at Che, London.