so, Let's get our priorities right. What's the grub on the menu?
Foie gras, gnocchi, roast chicken, créme caramel.
Any bread?
White crusty loaf, still warm from the oven to break with your hands, peasant-style.
Mmm. Not bad. Where's the feast taking place?
At my grandmother Angiolina's house - a place underneath the stars in the mountains in Italy. It was where she was born.
Blimey. A romantic chef. Rare breed. Are you making your entrance on horseback?
No. By helicopter.
You've shattered the illusion now. Never mind. What's the preprandial slurp?
Bellinis.
That's better. Who's cooking?
Warren Jones, Donald Windleborn, Angiolina and my mum for sheer entertainment value.
Glugs?
Barolo with everything.
The guests?
My family and friends - Celestina, Keith, Guido, Julie, Henry, Anna, Boo (my soul mate), Tom.
OK. Who's next to you?
I would have to sit next to Boo.
Background vibes?
George Benson.
Not what we expected. Flowers?
Arum lilies.
Is the dress code pure and simple too?
Something casual. No suits.
Would you allow any critics in?
No, they're all banned so we could eat in peace.
How about an after-dinner speaker?
Ferran Adrià, so I could pick his brain.
Hope you speak Spanish. Any other entertainment?
Yeah, story time with Anthony Marshall, because he tells the best stories.
And you'd round off the evening with?
Espressos, Maltesers, marshmallows and Orange Revels. Then Baileys on ice.
Not sure about the Baileys. But like the sweet shop. You forgot the cheese, though.
A good mature Cheddar with lashings of pickle.
And a dish to remember you by?
Rump of lamb with caramelised tomatoes and mint candyfloss.
Adam Culverwell is head chef at Kilworth House hotel, Leicestershire