So what's on the menu - aubergines, we presume?
Very funny. Actually, I'll go for a starter of roasted scallops with braised peas, onions and bacon. Then a rib of Scottish beef, followed by chocolate souffl‚.
Alright then, Where's the venue?
Anfield - the Liverpool FC ground. I'm originally from Liverpool.
So, how are you arriving - by team bus?
No, I'd walk through the streets of Liverpool, taking in the humour.
You might never get to the pitch. But when you do, you'll have a...
Champagne - Dom P‚rignon 1990.
Who's behind the stove?
Claudine, my other half, as she does the best steak.
Glugs?
Roman‚e-Conti.
Sounds like you know what you want. Does that extend to bread?
A nice white rustic bread cooked in a wood-fired oven.
Who are the lucky guests?
All the family: brother Stuart, Mum, Dad, Claudine's family and my nieces and nephews.
And who's sitting next to you?
Claudine and Stuart.
You can have a few more if you want...
No, I'll stick to the 42,000 Scousers singing You'll Never Walk Alone (there's only one song in Anfield).
How about some flowers on the table?
Red ones, of course.
OK - we get the drift. S'pose you're in red football strip, too?
Anything apart from chef's whites.
Don't blame you. Are you banning any critics at the door?
All of them. Would you want to see them at your last supper?
Absolutely not. What about some after-dinner speakers and entertainment?
Bill Shankly and Bob Paisley. And a football match, perhaps.
Why are we not surprised? Coffee and petits fours?
A nice milky coffee with simple almond tuiles, and handmade chocolates. Then Bas Armagnac.
Cheese?
Just bring the board over and we'll destroy it.
And what about a dish to remember you by?
Carpaccio of scallop with Jerusalem artichokes and white truffles.
William Drabble is head chef at Aubergine, London