What menu would you choose?
I would like to cram in as many courses as possible, but in among the courses there would have to be seared foie gras with celeriac purée and caramelised apples; my Mum's lasagne; sea bass with Alsace bacon, wild mushrooms and red wine sauce; and lemon tart with clotted cream ice-cream and butterscotch sauce.
What cocktails would you serve?
Kir Royale and Irn-Bru.
Where would you eat the meal?
At a village called Luss on the banks of Loch Lomond.
Who would you ask to cook the meal?
Rick Stein. He would, I'm sure, bring calmness and professionalism to the supper, and he would also be used to cooking outdoors by the water's edge.
What wines would you drink?
Bâtard Montrachet 1990 and Château Margaux 1982.
What kind of bread would you serve?
Crusty rosemary and raisin.
Which 12 people would you invite?
My wife, Claire, children Sophie and Ewan, David Ryan (of Bistro on the Beach, Bournemouth), Elle MacPherson, Sir David Frost, Princess Diana, Billy Connolly, Ally McCoist, Winston Churchill, Tiger Woods and Kylie Minogue.
What music would you choose?
It would have to be Scottish. A full pipe band marching along the banks would be stirring.
Which flowers would you have decorating the table?
Lilies. The pungent aroma would add to the atmosphere.
What would you wear?
Full highland outfit, as would all the guests.
Which critic would you ban at the door?
Actually, I would put all the critics into a boat and let them float around Loch Lomond. I hope they would benefit from the peace and tranquillity.
Who would you have as your after-dinner speaker?
Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer.
What type of coffee or tea would you serve?
A good brew of Earl Grey.
What petits fours would you serve?
A choice of Galaxy or deep-fried Mars bar.