OK, the world's yours for the final shout, so what's on the menu?
Soup, roast foie gras, langoustine mayonnaise, stuffed trotters, roast sea bass, rump of beef, truffles and chocolate - all expertly delivered in four hours.
How about an aperitif?
Billecart-Salmon Ros‚.
where's the hang-out?
On my terrace overlooking the beach in the Maldives - and I could just stroll there from the bedroom.
Which chefs would be sweating it out behind the stove?
Marco Pierre White on the meat, Gordon Ramsay on the fish, Phil Howard on the starters, my sous chef Damian at the helm (and Keith Floyd on the piss).
How about something to wash their food down with?
Pomerol will do nicely.
Any bread?
Warm red onion and fennel rolls.
Think we'll have to gatecrash - but who are the bona fide guests?
My family, and business partner Adam Oates.
Who's got the honour of sitting next to you?
I'd swap after each of the 12 courses
How about a few vibes?
The sea will provide an enchanting ambience...
Okey-dokey... and who would be playing the conch shells?
God.
So does that mean we'll have the Star of Bethlehem as table decoration?
No - gerbera.
Fine. Morning suits, then, as dress code?
Just factor 10!
Which critic would you ban at the door?
Matthew Norman, as he simply wouldn't get it.
And your after-dinner speaker would be?
Mike Reid.
anything else to liven the proceedings?
Endless reruns of the kitchen cam.
That should make the coffee disappear fast. What is it by the way?
Double espresso - accompanied by Bourbon and Revels.
You've forgotten the cheese...
Vacherin.
How about a dish for the rest of us to remember you by?
Couldn't be that arrogant.
Adam Byatt is joint-proprietor and head chef at Thyme, Clapham, London