What's cooking?

Simple dhal, roti, onion salad, aubergine mash, cumin potato wedges and mango lassi.

A cocktail to start off the whole shebang?

No thanks. I prefer Johnny Walker Blue Label on the rocks - I am Indian, you know.

Where would we find you?

It's a toss-up between the holy city of Haridwar and Banaraes by the banks of the calming River Ganges in India.

Are you making your entrance by barge, then?

No. By chartered plane, of course.

Who's in the kitchen?

I'd like to ask Gordon Ramsay to do the honours as a friend, but his cooking talents on Indian food are unproven. So it would have to be Inder Dhawan, my ex-executive chef at New Delhi's Oberoi hotel. He slogged me like a dog, and I would like to take my revenge before I go!

Any slurps with the tastes?

Alsation whites or Cloudy Bay.

Should keep the guests happy. Who are the lucky 12, by the way?

Albert Roux, Gordon Ramsay, Michael Caines, Amitabh Bachchan, Sachin Tendulkar, Shekhar Suman, Billy Connolly, Lalu Prasad Yadav, Paresh Rawal, Johnny Liver, Tony Blair and Bryan Adams.

Who's next to you?

Sachin Tendulkar and Albert Roux.

And what's the mood music?

Indian folk dance music performed by Gurudas Maan (a famous Punjabi singer and dancer).

And what about some table decoration?

Marigolds. They remind me of my childhood - I love them so much I never use them in my food.

What's the dress code?

Kurta (pyjamas) - traditional Indian dress.

Who's booked in for after-dinner entertainment?

Billy Connolly.

Is that all?

A classical Indian dance performance by Sonal Mansingh of Bharat Natyam would be great.

And something to round off the meal?

Kashmiri kawa (green tea) with almond slivers and saffron strands, along with mint leaves dipped in white chocolate and some VSOP Cognac to finish.

How about a dish to remember you by?

Hari machchi: pan-fried John Dory marinated in green spices and served on crisp spinach ribbons.

Atul Kochhar is chef-proprietor of Benares, London