The gastropub revolution stands for pedestrian food and sloppy service, argues David Smolt.

So it seems Daniel Clifford and Gordon Ramsay have joined the gastropub rat race. My views on the gastropub movement will come as no surprise to the many readers of this column. I compare their relentless trampling of our culinary landscape to that of an alien invader like the rhododendron, the Japanese knotweed or those vicious little crabs that appeared in the Thames a while back.

In similar style, these whitewashed monuments to mediocrity spread their dull uniformity at an alarming rate, crushing all of value that lies in their path and strangling the rich diversity of cuisine that we so rightly cherish.

I, like many others, have felt the effects. This is a movement that favours the rodent-like mackerel over the stately turbot, the proletarian brown shrimp over the aristocratic langoustine. And it has conspired to bring back a food previously consigned - rightly in my view - to the peasant classes: mutton.

Couple this with the removal of the very pillars of proper service (am I really expected to pour my own wine?) and you have a situation where prices are forced down and standards driven into the gutter.

We are entering the new dark ages of British cuisine. But I'm determined that when we emerge blinking into the light, David Smolt will be there to lead the way and the imperative now is to survive.

To this end, the occasion of Fidel Castro's 80th birthday brought to mind an inspired idea. As you might expect from a UKIP loyalist, my politics are several light years away from those of the Cuban dictator. But I have always had a sneaking regard for his no-nonsense authoritarian streak and his feat of conquering Cuba with just 12 fit Cubans and an asthmatic Argentinian - just as I think he would recognise my own achievement in taking on the gastronomic powers of Chelmsford with a team of just three, including a kitchen porter stricken with halitosis and athlete's foot.

Battle-hardened, I'm thus well-placed to foment my own revolution in British eating out, and I propose nothing less than a chain of Castropubs, serving cheap, low-quality dishes based on rice and beans and appealing to a constituency rarely addressed by the catering industry - namely, those on benefits, illegal workers from abroad and members of the Socialist Workers Party.

To quote El Commandante: "Hasta la victoria siempre" - if you can't beat them, join them.

• David Smolt is senior chief executive chef at the Corpulent Cock restaurant in the two-AA star, six-bedroom Auberge du Montbazillac, Chelmsford.

Where next for gastropubs?

Charles Brierley, owner of the White Hart in Liverpool and Pub Operator Catey winner in 2000
"The value of the word gastropub has been spoilt by a proliferation of not true gastropubs, which put fancy menus on but don't deliver. Nowadays the term gastropub doesn't have the same currency as it did 15 years ago."

Michael Wild, restaurant and bar consultant
"My opinion is that there are too many gastropubs and it is a phase. People start gastropubs who don't necessarily have the talent to do so. They lack a decent chef and a decent menu, and I think they will be found out. They should just stick to being normal pubs."

Stephen Todd, general manager of the Drunken Duck, Ambleside, Cumbria, Pub and Bar Operator Catey winner, 2006
"The future is very healthy. Last year our business increased 30% and we have another outlet where we expect the same increase next year. The smoking ban will also help business. People find gastropubs more relaxed, more informal and with better food."

Richard Harden, co-editor, Harden's restaurant guides
"Out-of-town gastropubs are the future, not least because, after the smoking ban, pubs will have to find more non-booze revenue. As 'gastropub' is such a broad term, though, it's not at all clear what this will mean in practice."