Where's the party?
On the Pacific island of Lanai.
How will you arrive?
On a 100ft sailing boat with swimming pool, butler service, cinema and disco - if I'm going, I'm going in style.
And to kick off?
Bloody Marys and Mai Tais.
What's the grub?
Lots of shellfish - fresh scallops, lobster, etc - and plenty of meat: all on the BBQ. And as much cheese from Britain and Europe as I could get on the boat.
Sounds like you'll need some bread with that.
We'll have pizza bread and bacon and mozzarella bread from 1880 [the fine-dining restaurant at the Bentley].
Who's at the stove?
Antony Worrall Thompson, Gordon Ramsay (next to each other), MPW and Delia Smith.
Wine glugs?
Something simple and easy-going in big Riedel glasses.
Who's invited?
My family - and we'd need a big table because there are loads of us. That's my wife, Linda, and children Laura, Jade and Ryan; plus their adopted cousins, who seem to live in my house anyway, and all the mums, dads, in-laws, etc. And, of course, my parents, and especially my sisters, Alison and Katherine.
Who's next to you?
Linda, of course. And whichever one of the children could sit down before the music stopped.
And what are the vibes?
Level 42 playing their old stuff from the early years. Live.
Table decs?
Sixteen red roses. One for every year of my marriage. (You know the girls all read Caterer.)
Describe your party frock.
A little soft linen number with Jesus sandals, … la Hannibal Lecter in the last scene of Silence of the Lambs.
Are You banning critics at the door?
Just my mother-in-law.
Fine. Who's the after-dinner speaker?
Elvis Presley - for my wife, and because I'm an Elvis freak.
Any other end-of-evening entertainment?
Cigars and belly dancing. And lots of interactive games (eg, bury the mother-in-law, find the mother-in-law... )
How about a coffee with petits fours?
Chilled Irish coffee followed by Armagnac.
And, finally, a dish to remember you by?
I'd have to graze over that one and come back to it in another life.
Andrew Turner is executive chef at the Bentley hotel, London