So what's for eats then?
Buffalo mozzarella, ripped figs, rocket, balsamic, olive oil and sea salt; buttered crab (from Trishna in India); slow-roasted organic chicken with creamed potato and runner beans; apple tarte tatin with fresh vanilla ice-cream.
What about a cocktail to get everyone in the mood?
A nicely chilled bottle of Dom Pérignon.
And where's the feasting going to be?
On a river, fishing for salmon in Scotland.
How would you get there, by the way?
As quickly as possible.
Who's stuck behind the stove?
Peter Kromberg - probably my best friend.
And the wines to match the flavours?
A nice, chilled New World Chardonnay, Italian Barolo, and Château Ricard for the dessert.
Can we see what's in the bread basket?
A really good selection of freshly baked Italian breads.
Who are your Dirty Dozen guests, then?
My two boys, Dean and Dan, my partner, Claire, Billy Connelly, Robert Plant, JRR Tolkien, John Cleese, Sting, and my mates Wellsey, Nick, Malcolm and Chris.
How about some vibes?
Stairway to Heaven - obviously played by Led Zeppelin.
And the dress code?
Casual.
Anybody - critics or otherwise - who you'd ban at the door?
I wouldn't ban anyone - I would leave that to St Peter.
Who's going to send you happily on your way to eternity?
Billy Connelly.
And what would you sip while listening to the Big Yin?
Fresh mint tea.
Is that all?
Louis XIII Rémy Martin Grande Champagne Cognac.
Any last-hour nibbles?
Chocolate from L'Artisan du Chocolat.
Which of your dishes would you like to be remembered for?
Crab cake. It was a dish devised when I was at the Ritz, which was made famous by the fact that Princess Diana would constantly order it. I never took it off the menu, and it became so popular it has lived with me ever since.
- David Nicholls is executive chef and director of food and beverage at the Mandarin Oriental Hyde Park hotel, London.