What menu would you choose?
Michel Guerard's whole roasted foie gras, roasted ortolan with truffles baked in salt, Roquefort, my mum's pavlova.
What cocktail would you serve as an aperitif?
Margaritas made by Ken Forrester, with limes from his vineyard in South Africa.
Where would you eat the meal?
On a large, round table in the centre circle of Celtic Park.
Which chef would you ask to the dinner?
Gordon Ramsay, since he never got to play there as a footballer, but with Michel Guerard to keep him right.
What wine would you match with the dishes?
Tokay Pinot Gris, Weinbach Faller, Pétrus '82 - after that, who cares?
What kind of bread would you serve?
Anything freshly baked by the late Lionel Poilâne's bakery.
Which 12 people would you invite?
William Wallace, a true Scottish patriot; Jock Stein, a true Celtic hero; Keith Moon, a true rock 'n' roll legend; Marilyn Monroe, an original domestic goddess; Eddie Izzard, so Wallace is not the only guy in a skirt; George W Bush; Saddam Hussein; Gandhi, to talk some sense into the previous two, a young Brigitte Bardot, 'cos I always had a "thing" for her; Audrey Hepburn, to bring a touch of class; Homer Simpson, to make George W sound intelligent; Jesus Christ, so we don't run out of Pétrus.
What music would you play, and who would play it?
A compilation of songs by Jools Holland and his mates, to include Van Morrison, Paul Weller, Miles Davis, Louis Armstrong and Billie Holiday. But they'd have to include Wild Wood by Paul Weller.
What would the dress code be?
Kilts for men, Marilyn in that dress, Brigitte in that bikini, Audrey in whatever she likes.
Which critic would you ban at the door?
Maggie Thatcher - I'm sure she must have criticised a restaurant at some point.
Who would you have as after-dinner speaker?
Michael Palin.
What petits fours would you serve?
Heston Blumenthal's tobacco chocolates.
Which of your dishes would you leave to posterity?
Home-smoked lobster, with warm herb and lime butter sauce.