So what's the nosh then?
Kent asparagus, calves' liver, Jersey potatoes and English strawberries. Cheese would have to be Vacherin, Epoisse and English Cheddar.
You'll be having a chic little aperitif to start, I expect...
Of course - Stella Artois.
Okey-dokey. Where would we find you?
In Israel, on Mount Masada overlooking the Dead Sea at sunset.
Fine - so you're getting biblical. Will you be arriving on a donkey?
No. On a big "scare your nuts off" motorbike.
Who's stuck behind the stove?
Michel Troisgros, Ferran Adrià and Marco Pierre White - in the name of food - and Nigella Lawson, because I like the way she licks her fingers.
Wine with the food? Or are we on Stella Artois for the whole evening?
Now, now... I'd like some 1970 vintage Pétrus.
How about something to mop up the food?
Pierre Koffmann's bread.
Who are the Dirty Dozen, lucky enough to be sharing the evening with you?
Tim West, my boss and a fellow angler; chef pals Andy Turner, Steve Carter and Claire Clark; the Avenance "boys"; Kylie Minogue; Jessica Rabbit; Lara Croft; and Del Boy, Rodney and Trigger from Only Fools and Horses.
What about a bit of mood music?
A bit of 1980s music played by DJ Dr Fox, Robbie Williams and Madness.
Anything on the table apart from food and wine?
Italian leaf lemons, because they're the food of the gods.
What would you be wearing?
My trusty old Birkenstock clogs.
Is that all? Better move swiftly on then. Who's the after-dinner speaker?
Alan Partridge.
Any other entertainment?
Twister.
A slug of coffee to finish the evening on?
Espresso con panna - with aniseed twists and pear drops to follow. And you could leave the liqueur trolley.
What about a dish of yours we could remember you by?
Rocket and salad cream mash, salmon and fennel tatin, strawberry balsamic ripple ice-cream.
- Rob Kirby is executive chef at contract caterer Avenance, London