Would you like Porn with that?

Would you like Porn with that?

We are all used to the endless silly questions we get asked when ordering fast food.

I, for one, was already "going large" (all over), even before McDonalds began asking their customers the very impertinent question as to whether they would like to "go large" or not.

Next came "Would you like fries with that?", which was fine except when ordering an apple pie when surely anyone with a  speck of brain would have thought "Why would you?".

In Prêt a Manger and M&S, no matter how much stuff you purchase, they always ask you if you want a bag, as if you are in training for some new balancing sport where you have to balance a round bottle of juice, a triangle box with a sandwich in it, a packet of crisps, a pot of fruit, a croissant and a nectarine in one hand whilst crossing Oxford Street. I think this would make an interesting addition to the Olympics and I am contemplating introducing it for 2012.  What do you think?

In Pizza Hut, they're just giving it all away. Free unlimited salads, free Pepsi refills, free meals for kids, in fact I tried hard to purchase anything at all in there the other day. I would have been even more thrilled with the customer experience had our waitress had the faintest idea what we were talking about. She understood the word "Pepsi" which was a good start but not "Ice" (she was Russian, but maybe she was from the hot part). She understood "Pizza" (essential) but not "Black Pepper". So every time we tested her with unusual requests like "bowl" (for the unlimited salad bar) her (limited) knowledge of English meant she had to find a supervisor who did speak English - or at least the Pizza Hut version of it.

At the Salad Bar, my wife tried miming "cucumber" to our waitress - and was nearly arrested for lewdness.

And speaking of mime, I am not sure who ever thought that it was a good idea for waiters with a limited knowledge of English to mime the cut of meat you are about to order by indicating the area of the animal from which the meat originates  on their own body. This seems particularly prevalent in Italian restaurants where I recently decided to switch to chicken after the waiter pointed to his bottom to indicate the cut of meat I had previously selected. (Although my friend was perfectly happy with his choice of chicken breast after a particularly busty waitress from the Czech Republic used her more than ample and partially visible bosom to indicate to him which part of the chicken he had ordered.)

But, so far, nobody had thought of offering Porn with food (except Peter Stringfellow - and that was a long time ago, when he had short hair and his present girlfriend had not even been conceived).

No, this is the true story of how the Police in East Driffield, East Yorkshire seized a burger van which was apparently offering "Free Porno" to anyone who spent £5 on beer and burgers. Now that's what I call a Happy Meal.

DVD titles are reputed to have included: "Debbie does Darlington", "The Burger Van always Hoots Twice", "Bend me over and Burger Me Silly", "Young Nuns, Tight Buns" and the classic "Nympho Lesbians do it with Hot Dogs".

And goodness only knows what happened if you asked for Spit Roast.

Of course, the films were all confiscated by the Police - who are probably still watching them as we speak ... in a professional capacity, of course.

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