It's back. Like Madonna. Or Legionnaires Disease. Not a thing for months, then it pops up from nowhere - aggressively intent, scraping new levels of low and railing against the collective hope for a demise. Yes, I'm talking about Raisin' Views; the intermittent UK newsletter of California Raisins.
Those with a memory might recall my last attempt at annulling our one-sided relationship, where I offered my services conjuring up tag-lines for glossy A4 pamphlet, including the front page maxim "Raisin' Views - The Best Way To Stay Currant".
Well, in a blatantly hostile gesture, they've nicked my thunder and upped their game on the pun front. "California Gleaming", "Raisin' the stakes" and "Simply crammed with raisins" (less impressive) all make it into the current issue.
What levels need a man top to sever themselves from this mailing list? A bare-foot pilgrimage to California Raisins HQ? A genetically engineered blight on the US raisin crop?
Well, it's come to this. As a bargaining chip to escape the mailing list, I've offered myself as a gratis freelancer for Raisin' Views. Read on for another soon-to-be-ignored letter to California Raisins:
Dear Sir,
Raisin' Views is most certainly an excellent magazine and without-a-doubt in my top five dried fruit quarterly newsletters. However, I feel that your publication has taught me all I can humanly absorb about raisins.
For example, when I read your recent story "European bulk sales of California Raisins are up 49% at 40,151MT with the
Here is my suggestion: I propose and write some features for Raisin' Views! In doing so I can learn about raisins without reading your magazine and impart my knowledge with other raisophiles around the country! What do you say?
As a starter, here is my first pitch: a feature on "What will raisins look like in the future?". Will they stay the same shape? The same colour? Will they mutate? Etc
I have already begun work on this and interviewed numerous eminent futurologists.
If I do this will you maybe remove my name from your mailing list?
Yours kindly,
Tom Vaughan
Comments (1)
chocolate raisins!
Posted by Catering Equipment | June 10, 2008 2:35 PM
Posted on June 10, 2008 14:35